Gridskipper

Taradise and host Tara Reid return for amazingly glancing treatments of Paris and London. Now that we know Taradise has been cancelled, and noting that the schedule for the final episodes seems unsure, watching the show takes on a melancholy air. It's kind of like getting official notice that your child has died in a faraway land, then receiving a delayed letter the same child sent from that trip, where everything is still chirpy and happy and fun. To her credit, the contemporaneous post-Taradise Tara has finally wised up and realized that the producers of Taradise were never her pals, and that the show was ruthlessly edited to portray her as "a total party-girl drug retard." When even Anna Nicole Smith starts trashing you, you know somethin' ain't right. Full episode recap after the jump.

Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Toasts and pours of beverages are the producers semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 49
Tara Drinks: 4
Toasts/Pours: 5

Celebrity Cameos: Julien Macdonald, Welsh fashion designer of glitzy couture (and flight attendant uniforms for British Airways). Also seems to have trouble creating consensus on how to spell his name — Julian? McDonald? Poor bastard. Seems sad that an obvious Paris trifecta failed to materialize here — i.e. Paris Hilton with then-fianc Paris Latsis in Paris, France — but perhaps that's why Tara slagged Paris H. as "stupid" for making a sex video. Arguably, that sex tape did more for Paris Hilton's career than Taradise is doing for Tara Reid's.

Celebrity Antics: Confined to a hideous photo shoot and "barbecue" at Macdonald's behest with a klatch of models and poseurs in some London backyard-looking space. What this has to do with anything is a mystery. Tara speaks worshipfully of Macdonald as he presides queenily over the proceedings, at one point burbling at a minion, "Tara needs a drink! Hurry up, quick!" [fey hand-flip]

Tara in Danger: The paparazzi at Tara's party at Mo*vida take so, so many pictures, the flashbulbs hurt Tara's eyes! Plus, they yell at her and stuff! OK, we're reaching, but there's also yet another tiresome round of champagne bottles brought out en masse to kick-start the party's Caligulafication. No giant methuselah bottles this time — just regular magnums — though they do trot out the sparklers (none in Tara's mouth this time sadly, but one other clubgoer can't resist).

Tara Mack Report: Beginning to suspect E! is mucking with the sequence of the episodes due to the series cancellation, as Tara & co. begin in an unseen London, go to Paris for a day, then back to London. And there's no local stud on call to squire Tara around this time. Instead, we have Michael Damien Schwartz from Marion, OH, aka Tara's fianc . What, you didn't hear? Tara wanders under the Eiffel Tower, talking about how any engagement that begins with a proposal there would last forever. Her friends call out to the crowd for a suitor, and Mike steps up. He's sort of beefy backpacker guy, and there's a long slow-mo montage of the proposal, Tara's acceptance, and the two of them spinning in a passionate hug. Then Tara ditched him, of course. Little does she know just how binding such engagements are under strict Ohioan law.

Cultural Moment: Tara goes on a boat tour on the Seine, allowing her to see a great deal of Paris's cultural offerings. At one point she asks if a nearby boat is a "submarine," and when her pal gently suggests they don't have submarines on the Seine, Tara corrects herself by asking if it's a "glass-water boat or whatever it's called." Glass-bottom boat, maybe? To view the colorful tropical fish darting about the Seine s crystal-clear waters? Again, no. But the most edumacational bit occurs when Tara plays incoherent tour guide to a gaggle of children assembled at the boat rail. She helpfully describes various points of interest in French culture, in terms of their significance in American culture:

TARA: That is the Sex and the City bridge! [Le Pont des Arts, don't you know. -ed.] Where Carrie runs away, and Mr. Big finds her. Mr. Big and Carrie! That's a major American moment, that bridge! She was wearing her Manolo Blahnik shoes! Everyone remember: her Manolo Blahnik shoes. And they fell madly in love, like me today. I'm now engaged. To Mike from Ohio.
FRIEND: Where is he?
TARA: [dismissively] I told him I'd meet him at the hotel later.

Liar! Poor Mike, crying his eyes out back in Ohio, tearing up his spiral notebook covered in "Tara Reid Schwartz" doodles.

Tara Self-Loathing Index: Tara was doing just fine until she reviewed a stack of tabloids, catching up on how the press covered her recent adventures. She shudders, reviewing unflattering photos that depict her as fat, having bad hair, blinking, drunk, etc. In other words, status quo maintained. Extensive retail therapy at Harrods department store (total bill: over $100,000) seems to put the wind in Tara's sails once more, though apparently she declined to buy the "Fuck You Too" belt pictured above.

Episode in a Nutshell: That's a major American moment.

Fall From Taradise [Defamer]
Celebrity Feuds: Anna Nicole Smith vs. Tara Reid [PerezHilton]
Dope Floats [Defamer]
Julien Macdonald [BBC]
Tara Reid blasts 'stupid' Paris [FemaleFirst]
Le Pont des Arts [Paris Mysterious]
Taradise [E!]

Previously: Taradise: Tarahiatus, Taradise: Tarrafied, Tara Reid Drinks to Live Again, Taradise: Tarasexual, Taradise Trashed?, Taradise: Meta-Tara