Forget Geldof, Take a Tour

The crack journalists of Philadelphia’s Citypaper are well prepared for the upcoming Sir Bob Geldof egofest of Live 8 and the attendant tourists. You see, they’ve reviewed Philadelphia’s schmaltzy historical tours and given the dirt on all of ‘em, including the Duckmobile tours and their charming/excruciating duck whistles.

Here’s the lowdown: Ride the Ducks is “sedate and comfortable,” but it’s also “a boat full of fannypackers quacking along to the Village People and lumbering through South Street Gridlock.” Lights of Liberty “unfolds like a play,” features Charlton Heston and is the best bet of the local tours. Superducks is a pale imitation of Ride the Ducks, but tour guide Matt sounds like the kind of guy we could drink with. Horse-Drawn Carriage Tours (no website) feature drivers in 18th century outfits but aren’t worth the price. Then there’s Once Upon a Nation, which employs Temple and Penn drama students dressed in colonial garb to tell stories at historical locations in character. Given the attractiveness of said Temple and Penn drama students, we say: Listen to the stories and take them to dinner! They’re cuties. C’mon.

More: The Constitutional Walking Tour is “incredibly scripted, making the tour more like a dull history lesson than a dramatic unfolding of events,” and the tour guide misidentified architect I.M. Pei as Ian Pei. Classy! The Independence Hall tour has long, long lines and overly sensitive metal detectors, but is a Philadelphia institution. The Citypaper’s tops besides Lights of Liberty? The Big Bus Company’s Double-Decker Bus Tour and the Sixth Sense-featuring Philadelphia Ghost Tour.

[Neal Ungerleider]

Tour de Forced [Philadelphia Citypaper]