L.A. Letter: The Rules of L.A. Celebrity Sighting
Despite what you may read, most Los Angelinos don’t give a shit about “celebrities.” To us, celebrities mean skank-ass paparazzi, DUI starlets in car crashes, location shooting and movie premieres blocking major streets, and any other number of inconveniences that add up to just one more traffic jam. On the other hand, Angelinos love high-speed freeway car chases. We are notified well in advance, they are televised, and our favorite bars turn on the TVs and serve two-for-one drinks at happy hour prices, until the inevitable apprehension of the perp. Bottom line, celebrities = traffic jams, high-speed freeway car chases = good, entertaining buzz.
But, because you people don’t care about us, only our celebrities, at least follow the rules of LA celebrity-sighting when you get here. Other denizens of LA may quibble over my version of the rules, but fuck them. If you don’t care about the rules, and want to be derisively branded a "tourist" by locals, just skip to Rule 5.
1. Nomenclature. They are “celebrities,” not “stars.” I reserve the word “star” for someone who can do something I cannot, like, act. I can blow a dude on video and get it uploaded to the Internet, but I can’t act. Understand the difference? If not, sign off now.
2. Categorization. There are categories of “celebrities,” and how you treat a sighting of a celebrity from within a certain category varies.
A-List. An “A-List” celebrity generally appears only in quality studio movies and independent films, not on TV, and is rarely seen in public. Upon sighting, you immediately pull out your cell phone and call everybody you know. My A-List includes Barbara Streisand (even though I think she’s a whiny fucking out-of-touch bitch), and Jodie Foster (only because I don’t think she exists, except courtesy of Pixar animation). Some TV stars, notably from HBO, attain A-List status, but only for a short while. For example, the Desperate Housewives were A-List last season, but they are bordering on "B-" at present. My best ever A-List sightings were Tom Hanks and Steve Martin, together, buying frozen yogurt in West Hollywood. Hanks's eyes are stunning.
B-List. “B-List” celebrities are the toughest to categorize. For most Los Angelinos, B-List means TV celeb on a currently running series (think, Matthew Fox), or untalented or over-exposed movie actor (think Jessica Alba or Johnny Knoxville). B-List sightings are generally kept to yourself until the inevitable LA conversation topic -- celebrity sightings -- rears its ugly head.
C-List. “C-List” celebrities include anybody you are embarrassed to actually recognize. This group is a hodgepodge, but it goes without saying that almost all reality TV stars and daytime soap stars will never climb any higher than this rung. These sightings you generally keep to yourself. My most embarassing C-List sighting ever was “Carrot Top.”
D-List. These are the most disgusting of the celebrity trash, yet often the most publicized and sought-after, if only because they are so fucking stupid, drug-addicted, spoiled, and over-exposed. Not only that, they are dangerous to themselves and others. They are celebrated by gossip blogs and magazines everywhere because the masses demand schadenfreude. Obviously on this list are Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Mischa Barton, Courtney Love, Ashlee Simpson, and a host of other twisted misfits. Actually, I’m thinking of implementing a new celebrity-sighting rule: If you visit LA, and do not see every single D-List celebrity, you should report the missing D-Listers to the police immediately. They may be overdosed in a ditch somewhere and in danger of not going unphotographed.
Personal Favorites. Of course, we all have our own personal A-Lists, rules be damned. It’s a free country, and if David Hasselhoff or Janice Dickinson make you involuntarily stroke your genitals, then that person is on your A-List, and no one can take them away from you. Foremost among my own personal A-List is J.D. Fortune, pictured at top, the new lead singer of INXS (which just debuted its new single, “Pretty Vegas,” at Number 37 on the Billboard Chart). I saw him and three of his fellow contestants from Rock Star: INXS, on the Third Street Promenade, in Santa Monica, on Labor Day. I couldn’t tell if he was going “commando style (see below),” like he usually did on the show, but I was still hyperventilating.
3. Bragging Rights. Celebrity sightings, to be counted, must be random. Specifically, if a celebrity has been paid to be in a certain location at a certain time, and you happen to be there -- be it a TV show taping, location shoot, or otherwise -- it does not count. This does not mean you should not frequent such places, if you are truly jonesing for some Vanna White girl-on-letter action. Just don’t bother to tell us about it. In addition to the randomness requirement, at certain LA-specific locations, celebrities are so ubiquitous that local citizens decided by popular vote that such sightings do not earn bragging rights. These include sightings at the Beverly Hills Four Seasons Hotel, the Chateau Marmont, any "talent" agency, or any movie or TV studio. Contact any Los Angelino for further information on this law.
4. Do Not Touch The Celebrities. Seriously, the things I read in gossip columns about celebrity encounters make me sick. Did your parents not teach you any manners? If not, try reading Miss Manners, for a start. Celebrities are people, just like you and me. They do a job, albeit a seemingly somewhat glamorous one for which they are highly compensated. But, put yourself in a celebrity’s shoes: How would you feel if 700 times a day someone you didn’t know suddenly shot your picture without warning, and/or complimented you on a Power Point presentation you did five years ago (even if it was totally kick-ass, and got you a raise at the temp agency)? The most you can do, ever, is if a celebrity makes eye contact with you (rare), give a slight nod and the LA half-smile, which is really more of a closed-mouth smirk. If you do anything more, you could get hurt. Stars have bodyguards, and some stars themselves throw a mean punch. Do not approach them, do not ask for their autographs, do not write down the contents of their grocery carts, do not listen in on their conversations, and do not attempt to flirt with them. Seriously you young ladies, actors are narcissistic whores with Ziploc flies. Yeah, they'll flirt with you, but they'll also flirt with the next human with a pulse that approaches them. So no, you are not all that. Don't try to prove us wrong. You are simply delusional. Get help.
5. Where to Find Celebrities. This cuts against the randomness requirement, but I have to give you something. I have seen plenty of celebrities, but rarely more than one in the same place. Here is a list of places where I have seen multiple celebrities, but not necessarily at the same time (if I remember who I saw, and generally I don't, they are listed):
* Barney Greengrass Deli, Barney’s Department Store, Beverly Hills: Roseanne Barr, Winona Ryder, Courtney Thorne-Smith.
* Neiman Marcus Department Store, Beverly Hills: Madonna, Tom Hanks, Jaclyn Smith (sweetest celebrity, ever).
* Any Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in the Zone (don't ask me why, the Coffee Bean must give them free blended mochas or something): Britney Spears, Jennifer Aniston.
* Any Whole Foods Market in the Zone: Coked-up celebrities have to do something to confuse the narcotics agents who are constantly tracking them.
* Any public, weekly Farmer’s Market, preferably all organic (see Whole Foods above).
* Real Food Daily, or any other vegan restaurant (again see Whole Foods).
* Any up-scale sushi restaurant (yep: Whole Foods).
* Any place that serves Carbolite, a frozen dessert: Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Victoria Tennant, Rita Wilson.
* The Arclight Movie Theaters, and nearby, Amoeba Records, Hollywood: Keanu Reeves, Philip Seymour Hoffman.
* Equinox Fitness Center, Crunch Sunset, Body and Soul Workout, or almost any other upscale workout facility in the Zone: Lindsay Lohan, Dave Navarro, Ellen DeGeneres, Debra Messing, David Boreanaz, Alyson Hannigan, Robert Gant (super nice guy), Hal Sparks, Christina Applegate (very sweet), Nicholas Brendon, Kristy Swanson, Mark McGrath.
* Gold’s Gym Venice: Hugh Jackman, Warren Beatty, The Rock, Hulk Hogan, "Carrot Top.
* The front porch of the Ivy Restaurant, Beverly Hills, but Monday-Friday lunch only.
* Fred Segal, West Hollywood, and Fred Segal, Santa Monica.
* Gelson’s Market (aka "Gayfair"), West Hollywood: Charles Nelson Reilly.
* Starbucks Coffee, Malibu Country Market, Malibu: Brad Pitt, Pamela Anderson.
* Dodger and Laker games: Owen Wilson, Jason Bateman, Jack Nicholson, Keifer Sutherland.
* Tower Records, West Hollywood: Liv Tyler.
Good luck to you. If you see J.D., notify me immediately.
Previously: TVGasm Takes You To Town, Defamerist: My Favorite L.A. Weekend, Freret Street College Bars, L.A. Letter: A Night At The TropicanaRoosevelt, Rokbar Hollywood
