Christmas in LA
The last time it snowed in LA was 1962 but that doesn't damage the Christmas spirit in Tinseltown. Not only are whole soundstages given over fake snow and elves but the natives themselves can thrown a mean Yuletide fete. Oh yeah, and as for he "real meaning of Christmas"? Forget it. Christmas in LA is all about tinsel tassle pasties and the only dude with a beard is Tom Cruise and her name is Katie.
Hunky Santa: Screw that fat old Santa. He smells like death and wrinkles. It's about time for a Santa that the ladies want to get with. Luckily LA is just the place for that, as every year the city runs a "hunky Santa" contest. This year's winner is ripped, has a nice smile, and makes the moms at the Beverly Center feel naughty for the first time in 30 years.
Vodka Latka: Festical of Rights: Tonight and tomorrow! This LA "Hanukkah extravaganza" will have some of Hollywood's premier Jews in addition to Golem (like Santa but dressed in a costume of dirt and with no presents or reindeer and Jewish, and sinister. Ok, nothing like Santa at all) Get ready for some cut throat high stakes dreydl and "social justice" candle lighting.
Fry-B-Que/ Holiday Party: We thought LA was only for the skinny and the vapid. Turns out we were wrong about the skinny part, evidenced by this holiday Fry-B-Que on Saturday. Guests bring any food imaginable to stick in the giant fry-o-lators. They suggest Twinkie, potatoes, and puppies, but you can fry whatever your gross cholesterol-craving heart desires.
A Mulholland Christmas Carol: We're pretty sure that when Dickens wrote A Christmas Carol he wasn't intending for some LA playwright who thinks he's so clever to turn it into a musical satire on the city's political corruption. But then I guess he didn't intend for Miss Piggy to be playing Emily Cratchit either so, " Up yours, Dickens!"
A Merry Mex-mas: Mexican Elvis El Vez shows LA what Christmas is all about- glitter, gyrations, and Latino flare. For his holiday show he has shiny Christmas costumes and holiday songs like "Brown Christmas," and "All I Want for Christmas... Is a New President."
Universal CityWalk Ice Skating Rink: Universal CityWalk is a clusterfuck of stores, arcades, movie theaters, restaurants, and LA chicks wearing short denim skirts with Uggs. In the winter they open up an outdoor skating rink. Now winter wonderland merriment can be had by all, even tan beautiful Los Angelinos.
Pageant of the 4 Seasons: A 99 cent only Modern Something: This annual holiday musical featuring only items found in the 99 Cent Only chain stores, runs until the 17th. Fun, kitchy, and full of cheap crap, Pageant of the 4 Seasons can kick any Rockettes show's taut ass any day.
Broadway's Spirit of Christmas: But if Rockettes you must have, you're also in luck. One would think LA would have its own legion of long-legged generically pretty ladies but no, in fact they have to import them from the East Coast. The NYC Rockettes come to LA every Christmas to do all that high stepping, lip synching magic for folks in Los Angeles.
Altadena's Christmas Tree Lane: Every year the city strings lights on a huge grove of old cedars for over a mile for thousands of motorists to see. They've been doing it for so long it's not only a state-historic site, it's also been deemed the oldest large scale outdoor Christmas display in the world.
Candy Cane Lane: Not to be confused with Christmas Tree Lane, Candy Cane Lane is a light display where residents full of Christmas cheer and the carnal need to outdo each other blanket their entire houses with blinking lights, wicker deer, and seven foot tall blow up snow globes. There's even someone dressed as Santa to pose with the kiddies, and little elves roam around selling hot chocolate and scaring the neighborhood animals.
Previously: Good MicroBrew: Pretty Decent Actually, Typhoon: High Asian Fusion Fused with Bugs, Introducing Nazi-Santa Tracker
