Taradise: Mighty Taraphrodite
"I'm having the time of my life!" gushes Tara Reid. " People in Cyprus are all about loooooooove!" Today's photo captures Tara right in the middle of that long loooooooove. You can practically feel the love. You can certainly smell the booze, as Tara led the charge through a much more impressive Mediterranean Island drinky fest this episode. Lots of group toasts, pours, tastings, and so on. Though she's still a little conscious about her figure (more on that later), Tara's boobage is in full effect. We have plenty of bikini-top action, and a photo-shoot sequence makes much of her impressive golden orbs. But let's not dwell on the superficial. Tara opens the episode with the mantra, "If you could say one word about me, I think you would say 'love.'" Courtney Love, you mean? But if one picture is worth a thousand words, then the picture above must surely be worth ten thousand looooooooves.
Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Pours of beverages are the producers? semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 50
Tara Drinks: 10
Pours: 10
Celebrity Cameos: Very light in this department once again. Tara's parents appear very briefly. Lots of face time with Alwyn Kushner, "producer of [crap straight-to-video film Tara just wrapped] Incubus and Tara's friend." Also a trio of "international models" named Marcus, Alex, and Charris, who serve as human window dressing.
Celebrity Antics: Alwyn and Tara briefly commiserate about recent weight gains. "I'm 15 pounds overweight," complains Tara. "Yeah, now I'm 20," agrees Alwyn gloomily. Later, Alwyn and the models accompany Tara to a winery. Having retained nothing from her last winery visit, Tara slugs back one of several glasses in a single gulp. Then she glances around at everyone else still demurely sipping and exclaims, "Oh I thought we were supposed to pound it. I pounded it!" The next round is a strong Cypriot liquor, which causes Tara to instead pound her chest and rasp "Oh momma!" several times, while model Charris dabs at her mouth and squeaks, "My leeps!".
Tara in Danger: A dancing taverna waiter balances many glasses on his head, which frightens and thrills Tara and Alwyn. While dancing with the girls, his tower of glasses falls off and shatters, to much shrieking and tittering. The finger-pointing begins: "He glanced over at Tara," smirks Alwyn to the camera. "That'll make anyone's glasses fall off their head, right?" Uh, right. When the waiter reconstructs an even more impressive tower of glasses atop his head, a giggling Alwyn says, "He must have at least 15!" Tara replies sternly, "No, 20," unconsciously reminding her friend that she's 20 pounds overweight, not only 15 like Tara. Encouraged by her host, Tara manages to balance three glasses on her own head, a scenario rife with too many metaphors to detail here.
Tara Mack Report: Unless she's getting serviced by a production assistant, there's no hint of Tara's surging libido from last episode. No macking to speak of. Tara doesn't even show much interest in the international models, much to their likely relief.
Cultural Moment: It's all about the gods, as Tara swims around Aphrodite's Rock three times in order to gain goddessy powers. "I'll be the guinea pig of all the fun beauty things of God and stuff!" she says brightly. Alwyn accompanies her on the swim, leading to yet another underminer exchange between the two "friends":
TARA: So these are the waters where the goddesses came from. Your face will be beautiful forever ...Despite paddling through the waters of eros, Tara doesn't quite feel confident enough to "emerge" (her new favorite word) from the water in full bikini mode for a close-up. She does offer a partial no-nip boob slip as compensation, though.
ALWYN: Maybe this will fix my body.
TARA: [chuckles politely, does not deny Alwyn's body needs fixing]
Tara Self-Loathing Index: Apparently not every C-lister Tara encounters wants to play with her, which must make her sad. At least she's strong enough to wear the red boots with pride. If the weight-watching talk and the desperate pursuit of mythological beauty treatments didn't get the point across, Tara veers well into serious pathos by repeatedly and unconvincingly comparing herself to Aphrodite. While clad in a long, flowy dress and seated on a boulder for a photo shoot, she reflects, "I feel like I'm Aphrodite. So right now, I feel like I'm emerging ... [looks down] ... I'm on a rock." Oh well. That analogy had so much potential.
Episode in a Nutshell: Oh, momma. I'm on a rock.
Tara Reid Is in the Zone [IDontLikeYouInThatWay]
Aphrodite's Rock, Paphos [Guardian]
Jason Biggs [Mirror]
Tara Reid is awesome [IDontLikeYouInThatWay]
Taradise [E!]
Previously: Taradise: Tarrarism, Taradise: Taradox, Wild on Tara Premiere: Shooting the Shit, Wild on Tara Aperitif, Odds on Wild on Tara, Wild on Tara Reid
