Welcome back to the ultimate in do-nothing television. Tara Reid spends this episode of Taradise in St. Tropez, eatin' and a-partyin' in preparation for a big party to promote her show. But wait, the party to promote the show is actually on the show! She had a party to promote the show, which is on her show, and is being seen by people already watching her show. She just blew my mind. The party only takes about 2.5 minutes of screen time though, or maybe I just blacked out. This trend might imply a grim future for us all. Tara herself cut down a bit on the drinking, on camera at least, but they also showed her smoking a couple times -- a real shocker, I know, but at least it's different. I hope they depict our hostess hoovering up lines of Colombian marching powder when she finally takes the show to Bogota. And no, that's not a massive super-spliff in her mouth above, nor is it a stick of dynamite. Funny as it may look, there's no way she'll ever let it get in the way of her drinking.
Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Pours of beverages are the producers? semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 38
Tara Drinks: 5
Pours: 2*
*Does not include 50 battles of champagne sprayed at Nikki Beach.
Celebrity Cameos: Apparently you can't spray champagne in St. Tropez without various celebs scurrying out of the woodwork. Paris Hilton reappears, though once again she won't speak to the camera. Her sister Nicky Hilton also makes a cameo, as does Ryan Seacrest of all people. At Tara's party, she claims "all the basketball players from the United States are there," which might be a small exaggeration. LA Laker Luke Walton is the only one identified by name, though he does have a brief speaking role.
Celebrity Antics: After Tara and her mook friend concoct a plan to spray the crowd at the Nikki Beach club with 50 bottles of champagne, Paris stalks away muttering, "I don't want to be sprayed with champagne by these idiots." When Tara encounters Ryan Seacrest, the two appear to be speaking cheerfully, but it's blatantly obvious they're mentally engaged in a psychic duel to determine who can squeeze the most publicity wattage out of the moment. I'd have to call it a draw at this point (no observable wattage for either party, mentally or publicity-wise). When Nicky Hilton makes a brief appearance, she, Paris, Tara, and a companion of Nicky's named "Allison" all engage in a group girl-hug. Allison calls someone a "crazy bitch," but it's hard to say who. When a bystander leans in to give Paris a peck on the cheek, Tara shrieks, "Are you kidding me? If you touch her again, I'll bite your fuckin' head off!" The Paris-cheek pecker bellows with amusement in response. Luke Walton lamely invites Tara to a Lakers game.
Tara in Danger: Tara jumps off a large yacht into shark-infested waters. No sharks appear, and Tara's bikini top remains in place. And Tara wants everyone to know that the sparkler she's "smoking" above was absolutely not dangerous. The basketball players at Tara's party are drinking giant bottles of Cristal (called "methuselahs" ... who knew). Tara cradles one half-full methuselah to her body a little too affectionately. Somehow I doubt anyone else was too interested in drinking from that bottle afterward, even if they do cost three grand apiece.
Tara Mack Report: Tara waits on the shore with a mimbo incongruously named "Flo" as their friends frolic in the waves. Tara can't swim because of her mic, you see:
TARA: I would die, I would be electrocuted.Barrrfff! Yeah, nice try, Flo, but we all know you really meant you would be happy to die just to get outta that scene. After this dopey exchange, we're treated to a postcard from Tara that reads, "I think I'm falling for Flo. He's hot!" Later, Tara pulls another girl out of her heiress-hat, this one named "Anna" (it's her boat Tara jumps off). Anna meets Tara & co. for a meaningless conversation surrounded by tourists and paparazzi. Anna waves Tara's arms while trilling, "Tara Reid loves all of you!" She then turns back to the camera, grunts, and curls her lip in the most startling display of patrician disgust yet seen on this show, and that's saying something. Anna later proposes a threesome between herself, her boyfriend, and Tara to alleviate Tara's four sexless months. There's also some talk about the girls lezzing it up for the camera, but ultimately it's all just a tease. Tara later clings drunkenly to Flo while he talks on his cell phone, though Flo throws an arm (in a cast, curiously) around her. Still on his phone, he says, "Isn't she beautiful? You just got to love her. You just got to love her, and hold her, and never let her go." Tara then slurs out something that sounds like, "You wissszzzzhhhaaaa!". Here endeth the macking.
FLO: If I would die, I would be the happiest man.
TARA: [laughs, then indignantly] Did you say if I died you'd be the happiest man?
FLO: If I would die right now I would be the happiest man.
TARA: Why is that?
FLO: 'Cause I'm here with you.
Cultural Moment: Uhhhhh ... well, there is a dinner at Villa Romana restaurant, with models strutting around in purchasable designer wear, and the waiters are all dressed like Napoleon (even with the funny hats). That's what passes for culture in these parts.
Tara Self-Loathing Index: Tara complains bitterly about how much thinner she looks on the photo for her party invitations. Still only a flash of stomach here and there. Tits and ass to be sure, but the midriff has yet to come out in full effect.
Episode in a Nutshell: If I would die, I would be the happiest man.
The No. 1 Network of Never-Were-Land [NY Times]
The Future of Tara Reid [Gallery of the Absurd]
60 Second Interview: Tara Reid [Metro Cafe]
Fine Wines come in these GiantBottles! [GiantBottles.com]
Villa Romana Restaurant [Official site]
Taradise [E!]
Previously: Taradise: Mighty Taraphrodite, Taradise: Tarrarism, Taradise: Taradox, Wild on Tara Premiere: Shooting the Shit, Wild on Tara Aperitif, Odds on Wild on Tara
