Taradise: Tarrafied
Looks like we'll be together for at least another few episodes, so just lay back and enjoy it. This episode of Tara Reid's Taradise goes to Croatia, which is helpfully shown to us on a map (a first for the show). Drinking approaches normal levels, with a minor tweak to the reporting methodology below (toasts are now counted as pours). Tara manages to pack in little sightseeing this time, visiting a couple islands as well as the cities of Split and Dubrovnik, and by that, I mean the bars of the cities of Split and Dubrovnik. They actually go to the first club in Split within the show's first two minutes, a new record. Tara's older brother Tommy hangs out this time; since her parents were on previously, I'm wondering if the whole family will parade through eventually (bring on those twin younger brothers). Other than that, the show seems to have hit on a formula of introducing Tara to a local hottie, this time a gent who introduces himself with, "I'm a famous singer ... in Croatia." That's him above, serenading our hostess. I, myself, remain huge in Japan. Tara, for her part, remains Jumbotron-big in Jersey.
Drink Report
Methodology: Drinks are counted when anyone on the show drinks any beverage or is shown holding a beverage (no attempt is made to differentiate alcoholic from supposedly non-alcoholic, i.e. clear fluid with lemon wedge). Tara Drinks are counted when Tara drinks a beverage on camera. Toasts and pours of beverages are the producers? semaphore for further excessive drinking off-camera.
Drinks: 31
Tara Drinks: 6
Toasts/Pours: 7
Celebrity Cameos: Tommy Reid, Tara's older brother, apparently a struggling producer/screenwriter, and partner with extremely odd-looking younger sibling Patrick in trendy Santa Monica clothing store Patrick Reid. Croatian crooner Peter Graso, who takes his dutiful place in the Mack Report below.
Celebrity Antics: Tommy Reid, you scamp! At every turn, Tommy sarcastically punctures Tara's naive enthusiasm with jaded cynicism. Sometimes he even eggs her on in her mild flights of fancy about whatever location they're enjoying. On the shores of the island of Hvar, for example:
TARA: Was there a pirate ship here, a long time ago?A few minutes later, after Tara says she feels as if she's really high up, with the moon looking bigger and planes seeming lower (even though she's on the seashore, i.e. at sea level), Tommy and Graso openly ridicule her as she ignores them and babbles about Taradise having no rules, etc. But Tommy's an old softy at heart, remarking in private about his sister, "She's so well accepted here in Croatia. 'Course, Tara in Croatia, open door, here you go. Great time, man." Yeah! Awesome! Wait, what?
TOMMY: Sure.
TARA: Did they find diamonds and treasures here?
TOMMY: Oh yeah!
TARA: Yeah?
TOMMY: Yeah!
TARA: Huge ones?
TOMMY: Big, big jewels.
Tara in Danger: Graso takes the kids to Lokrum Island, explaining incoherently that priests who once lived there cursed the place:
PETER: So, the island is, like, damned.Tara says she's "scared" by something at least once per episode, and it's starting to wear thin. I don't think she's really terrified at all. In fact, they futzed around the island for awhile longer with no apparent damage to their immortal souls -- probably because they didn't dare venture over to the nude beach.
TARA: Oh! We're on a damned island?
PETER: Yes, yes, you're on a damned island!
TARA: ... I'm scared, lets' get out of here.
Tara Mack Report: Pity poor Peter Graso, brought in (as others were before him) as a manflesh target for Tara. He has a Bono-ish habit of never taking off his sunglasses, but otherwise seems a decent sort. Much comedy is mined from a pre-meeting interview Graso gave to a Croatian tabloid; when asked what he would say to Tara, he apparently responded "I will rock you." An indignant Tara, on hearing the article translated, huffs, "How you gonna rock me? You don't even know me!" Nevertheless, the show must go on, so Tara and Graso get together for another awkward date thing, chaperoned almost continuously by the dour Tommy Reid. Graso sings a song in Croatian to Tara (see above), and Tara sings some kind of blather back at him. Graso appreciatively comments that she sounds "like a female Joe Cocker." Fortunately, Tara has no idea who that is. Graso ends his stint by fervently hoping to be "a big part of Taradise, maybe next year." Sorry, pal. Oh, by the way, aren't you married to this chick? Oopsie.
Cultural Moment: Amazingly high amount of cultural immersion this episode (well, for this show anyway). We got visits to the old city, churches, and stuff. Tara's really into animals, officiously re-explaining how the fish at one chapel swim in a certain way to predict the weather. Then she points out how needles atop buildings were meant to keep the "penguins" off. "Pigeons," corrects Graso helpfully. Then she asks a tour guide at length if the gate into the old city had a moat like in the movies where crocodiles would eat you if you fell in. "Ah, no, we don't have crocodiles," says the guide wistfully, no doubt imagining Tara in the midst of them.
Tara Self-Loathing Index: Tara's put all that "bad head" behind her. She does a photo shoot for FHM in full bikini mode, sucking in the gut and only getting a little belly action when sitting in an unflattering chair. Of course, it will be airbrushed to hell and back, but that's how it works. She marvels at how much weight she's lost since the first episode in Greece, claiming she's lost 15 pounds. Are these the same much-bewailed 15 pounds from Cyprus? Regardless, Tara's at the zenith of her self-esteem, howling at the camera during their first nightclub outing, "The world is miiiiiiiiine!".
Episode in a Nutshell: How you gonna rock me?
A Very Special Gawker Stalker: Taradise in Jersey [Gawker]
Patrick Reid [Official site]
Lokrum Island [AskMen]
Cranky Croatian Nudist [BootsnAll]
Danijela Martinovic [Official site]
Taradise [E!]
Previously: Tara Reid Drinks to Live Again, Taradise: Tarasexual, Taradise Trashed?, Taradise: Meta-Tara, Taradise: Mighty Taraphrodite, Taradise: Tarrarism
